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a straight man's guide to becoming queer...
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Tired of women and the inevitable babies/debt/Vauxhall Astra that follows, many heterosexuals have found the queer alternative to their liking. If you're having trouble coming to terms with your sexuality or you'd like a change from shagging women then read, enjoy and put into practise the advice below. In no time at all you'll have become an upstanding member (!) of the gay community. If after reading this you still believe you need personal tuition anyone (male) aged between 18-25 may contact me at the following email address Enjoy Seb |
Follow our guide and you could look like this!... |
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Domake sure to wear any overpriced pair of jeans, shirts, shoes,
underwear or haircut. Especially if it has a label on the
OUTSIDE.
These names are still Gay Safe: Jean Paul Gaultier, Paul Smith, YSL or Waitrose.
Don'twear any clothes bearing the labels River Island, Next, Gap, Tommy Hilfiger, Calvin Klein, Mr Byrite or Kwik Save. This is a dead giveaway that you are heterosexual! Camouflage trousers are definitely NOT fashionable anymore. Avoid wearing them at all costs, unless you're employed by KFOR.
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Dowax your body clean of any
body hair (except on head).
Develop your muscles by visiting the gym three times a day or walking (preferably cruising) across large expanses of public parks..at night. Reduce your overall height by at least 0.8 metres. Take recreational drugs to dilate pupils permanently. Increase penis length (when erect) to at least 7 1/2 inches. Stuff tissues down trousers if unable to afford operation. Get un-circumcised. |
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| Don't
display any facial hair whatsoever ( unless you're
overweight).
Do not wear short-sleeved shirts if you have a tattoo. In fact don't wear short-sleeved shirts at all. Do not wear tight fitting t-shirts until your beer belly has subsided. Avoid piercing's - one too many and you'll look like a road protester.
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Dobuy anything on Almighty, Tripoli Trax or Trade Records. Anything with endless pounding percussion and occasional speeded up sampled camp girlie vocals is fine (thanks Rachel..) Make an effort to
buy every album ever made by Boyzone, Steps, Back Passage Boys and any
other talentless, unmusical spotty
teenagers. Avoid music by men with long hair ie Michael Bolton, K.D Lang, Lenny Kravitz, Fish, and any American Adult-Orientated-Rock. Avoid indie music unless you're a student, suicidal or wear black corduroy trousers (ie BBC employees).
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Dolive preferably in the following London area's: Hampstead (obviously), Fulham, Clerkenwell (for Trade), Holborn (for Trade), Turnmills (for Trade), Fulham, Charing Cross (for Heaven), a railway arch (for FIST), Clapham,Old Compton Street, Bloomsbury (for cruising), ANY part of Soho. Don'tlive in the following London area's: Barking, Dagenham, Basildon, all of the East End bordering Essex, Hayes, Heathrow, Epsom, Chertsey, Barnet, Kilburn.
Food Shopping
Don'tshop at the following (your heterosexuality will become immediately apparent):Kwik Save, Iceland, Co-op, K-Mart, Budgen, Safeway, Asda, MFI, £stretcher or anywhere selling Happy Shopper products.
Speech Dotry and learn to
speak with a generic regional accent. Don'tspeak in a
camp or posh/public school accent. Do not be tempted
to speak in a cockney accent.
Dotravel
everywhere by minicab. Never ask the
driver the fare before-hand. Wait till journey's end and cause a scene in
the street (threaten to call the police about his lack of hire &
reward insurance. This works a treat).
Do not ride a
bicycle / moped / skateboard / rollerskates. Avoid black cabs - all black cab drivers are very boring, very overweight, very straight and live in Basildon.
Transport (Part 2)
Dodrive the following makes of vehicle: Volkswagen Beetle
(new shape), Peugeot 205 1.6GTi, Nissan Skyline GT-R, TVR Tuscan, TVR Type
12, Jaguar XJS V12 (new shape), Porsche Boxster, Ferrari 308GTS, Caterham
7, Ford Ka (dykes only), Volkswagen Golf GTi/VR6, Nissan Micra 16valve,
Rollerblades,
Chopper. Don'tdrive the following makes of vehicle unless you wish to be laughed out of Old Compton Street: Any Ford / Vauxhall / Citroen, Nissan Bluebird, Yugo, Skoda, Trabant, any brown/ beige / tan coloured vehicle, tractor, bus, invalid carriage, horse. Reading
Material Do purchase / read / steal the following publications direct from the newsagent: Attitude, Gay
Times, Diva, Boyz (immature queens only), Pink Paper (middle-aged queens
only), The Independent, Private Eye, The Beano, Bunty, Smash Hits, TOTP
Magazine, Hallo, Vogue, Elle, Shoot! (the porno
version..). Don'teven GLANCE at the following rags...your gay credentials will be right out the window: The Mail, The Sun , Evening Standard, The Star, The Times, The Guardian, The Torygraph, Socialist Worker, Sunday Sport, Take a Break, TV Quick, Mother & Baby, Tatler, Country Life, FHM, Loaded, Goal!, Shoot! (the football version).
Holidays Dogo on holiday regularily, always at short notice, at least three times a year. The correct queer-worthy destinations to visit include: Sydney (for the Mardi Gras), Sitges (for the sherry), Mikanos (for the dunes), Florida Keys (for the hispanics and ketamine), Bournmouth (for the nudist beach), Blackpool (for the rain), Brighton (for the poor), Torquay (for the mature homosexual), Prague (for boys), Bangkok (for very young boys), any Health Farm (for drug-numbed club promoters).
Don't take the following vacations:Any 18-30 package holiday (unless you're into S & M and fancy being beaten up and vomited on), Spain (especially Marbella, Ibiza, Torremelinos, Benidorm), Butlins, Pontins, CenterParcs (a Glass Dome in a wood beside the M1 Motorway in Leicestershire), anywhere The Sun is offering cheap breaks, The Norfolk Broads, anywhere advertised on television. Especially avoid: Bosnia (lots of straight unshaved blokes in shell-suits carrying Kalashnikovs..), Yemen (lots of unshaven blokes in white dresses will kidnap you...), Northern Iraq (lots of unshaven blokes in tea-towels will kidnap you).
Sex Docarry at least three extra strong condoms and handy 'one-shot' lubricant wherever you go. Attempting to shag without them will give away your previous sexual persuasion. Scream, shout or whisper loudly when approaching orgasm. Shouting "yeh, push it deeper.." or "that feels sooo good man" will placate your partner. Always keep a
large stock of grainy, 70's porno films, preferably gay and starring such
thesbians as Jeff Stryker or Johan Thingy. Always keep one in the video
machine in case you pick up on the way home from
work. Don't use Vaseline or Flora as an alternative to KY Jelly. Don't use KY Jelly as an alternative to Flora or Olivio. Don't use too much lube as all ex-straight men have small dicks and need to generate as much friction as possible.
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Domake as many friends as possible, preferably women,preferably drug-dealers. Good places to
make friends include nightclubs where drugs are consumed in copious
amounts. If you make a new male friend make sure they're uglier and more
stupid than you. Don'tallow your female friends to become too close to you. 99 per cent of 'fag-hags' (as they're known) just want the challenge of getting you into bed. Good female friends include: Club Promoters, Drug Dealers, Rich Widows and Cher.
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